The First Few Days

I’ve always wondered of those who have lost a husband or wife: "How are those first weird days?" I guess there's a good chance that those of Team Dane and Bear have been wondering the same things. So I thought I’d give you some “look-ins” below to my week. In general, I move from DOING a little, to CRYING a little, to DOING a little, to CRYING a lot. I’m keeping myself busy with the tasks related to these past couple weeks: thank you notes, re-organizing (simply returning the house to normal, not the "big" re-organizing), etc. This past Sunday was my first night to fly solo in the house. It went better than expected. (BTW, Pud took just offense at my using the word “solo.” He’s like “What am I? Chopped liver?” And then he licked his lips at the thought of chopped liver). In fact, Pud has been in whatever room I am in (right now he’s sitting across from me at the dining room table), and has slept tight against me each night.

I am seeing God’s presence in a strange way: it’s uncanny all the special people I’ve met, and have spent some time with in these past few days, who have lost a spouse at a young age—even the Hospice grief counselor! This kind of support is a gift.

And here’s what’s been comforting me these past few days: I feel like I’m exploring yet another aspect of Dana’s and my love, and it caught me by surprise. I am SO GLAD for her. For many reasons. Reasons we may explore over the next weeks. That gladness breaks through at times. I might ask that you pray it breaks through a little more often.

Now to some “look-ins” to my week.

New Adventure Day 1, Monday, Jan. 4
While it’s officially 12 days since Dane went Home for Christmas, I’m considering this the first Monday (and day) of the rest of my life. With arrangements and holidays now behind me, this is the first day I’ve had to step out of my grief world and into a world that’s clicking along as if things are normal. My first “big boy” act was to head to Staples to purchase legal sized folders and holders for the new size of documents that have entered my life. It was kind of strange when the clerk made a near sarcastic comment that “Everybody’s trying to get organized at this time of year.” I knew I could make a precision-guided comment that would keep her from ever again commenting on people’s personal purchases. But I just remained silent and simply stared at the Easy Button on the counter. Of course for me to not even acknowledge a comment (I think I’m addicted to acknowledging comments) is the equivalent of a cussing out. And then I walked out the door and cried.

Thursday: First Snowed-In Night
My mind has been rehearsing many “firsts” that I’ll experience over this year: anniversary, birthdays, etc. But many “firsts” will catch me off guard, like last night, the first night to be snowed in. Dane and I LOVED to get snowed in. Sometimes we might even start the process a couple days early—a pre-emptive snowed in. And yesterday we had a perfect 4-5 inches. But as God would have it, I wasn’t alone. My cousin Carl (affectionately known as “Cousin Carl”) was in Cinci, as he is transitioning to a new job there. So he fought his way through the snow in the late afternoon, we watched the BCS Championship game (felt sorry for Colt McCoy) and Carl crashed here. It was perfect.

Thanks so much for your thoughts and prayers.