Both Sides Now

Since the opening ceremonies of the Vancouver Winter Olympics, I’ve had a song going through my mind---it was the background song to one of the skaters. After a couple “phone-a-friend” and “e-mail a friend” efforts, I learned the song was “Both Sides Now” by Joni Mitchell. It figures; Joni Mitchell was one of Dane’s fave artists and writers; she even has a Joni Mitchell Pandora radio station. A poetic song, its tune and lyrics have been my theme over these past few weeks.

The premise of the song is a commentary on my life right now: what Joni once saw as beauty, she now sees as pain. In the opening stanza about clouds, she writes that while she once saw “bows and flows of angel hair; and ice cream castles in the air; and feather canyons everywhere,” she now sees that “now they only block the sun; they rain and snow on everyone.”

As I’ve sought to “run toward the fire” these past few weeks, I feel like I have experienced both sides now of some of my and Dana’s treasured experiences: beach, mountains, skiing, and Jeni’s ice cream.

I was in Montana last week for a ski week with our good friends Kay and Randy. What made it harder was the fact that it was a trip Dana and I had on the calendar and would have done together. She had even scheduled it so that we could participate in the mountain’s “Dine and Ski” event---eating dinner at the summit house and skiing down by the light of the full moon (that night it was a full moon through some light cloud cover; the pix below is the next night, which was full moon through severe clear). This was something Dane had done and desperately wanted me to experience. So Kay, Randy, Brandi (Kay’s daughter) and I did the event---as a tribute to Dane and as a “we must press on” exercise for us. As we were at the top of the mountain enjoying a great meal I was overwhelmed by the fact that I am a blessed man: to have such great friends to journey with, friends who hurt right along with me. In fact, Kay pretty much wail-cried all the way down the mountain; you’ll have to read her take on that. I’ll figure out how to link to a document or simply paste it in at some point.

I also wanted to be sure we had some Jeni’s ice cream in Montana to help us celebrate Dane, the discoverer of Jeni’s for us and one of Jeni’s biggest fans. Through the ordering process I spoke on the phone to one of their representatives, Alli. For some reason I shared the back story behind this order (how Jeni’s played a big role in this journey). Alli later e-mailed me that she was touched by the story and had shared it with Jeni, who was also touched. Wow. We made it to the top of the ice cream mountain. Dane would love that. On Friday night we had our ice cream fest and had a great time remembering Dana as everyone was experimenting with new flavors...I heard a few exclamations of "That's my new favorite ice cream." Naturally, that did my heart good. It was a picture of Dana's influence continuing.

The week in Montana was obviously heavy, tear-filled and at times sad. But it was also fortifying and comforting to spend time with Kay, Randy and others (like Cindy/Chuck Creech and Shelly/Jamey Gates and their families!) who knew and loved Dane. And there is an unusual comfort that comes from being in mountains that existed long before me, before Dane and before the story of Dane and Bear, and, depending on God’s plan, will be here long after.

While the week really was an experience of “both sides now,” some pain and some beauty, I can certainly say the trip was a net gain toward beauty.

(You have to Google the lyrics to Both Sides Now)