Lossology 101

Loss comes in all shapes and sizes. We lose our keys. We lose our data. We lose our minds. We lose our tempers. We lose our innocence. We lose our money. We lose our jobs. We lose our security. We lose our loved ones.

I remember as a kid coming into my own realization that death seemed to come in threes. I’ve since learned that this is some kind of cultural phenomenon—more than folklore or an old wives’ tale. In fact, Google “death comes in threes” and you’ll see over 100,000 entries. Take away the quote marks and you’ll get over 1 million. It seems to hold true…unless it comes in MULTIPLES of three, as it seems to have been doing in my little circle lately.

Within a few short months I’ve lost a neighbor, a childhood friend, his mom, a cousin, a dear family friend, a colleague in youth ministry, and just this week, a fellow breast cancer fighter. All of this, of course, is layered onto the loss of Dana.

So I thought I’d use this rash of recent loss to dust off my blogger keyboard and get back to sharing some observations on the journey. My apologies for the dry spell. (It was never my intention to go such a long stretch; I'll blame it on lots of life transition.)

This brings me to tell you about Weezie, the dear family friend mentioned above, who passed away on April 1.

Weezie was my “second mom.” And my “second grandma.” And my “second aunt.” And as you would guess, my “first spoiler.” And she was my dear friend. She and her husband Arnold (whom I called Arkie, and still do to this day), having no kids of their own, “adopted” my sister Becky (whom I called Beck, and still do to this day) and me as their own, especially on Sunday mornings when Beck and I were church orphans while Mom played the piano and Dad directed the music and choir at the East Park Church of God where my grandpa (whom I called Grandpa, and still do to this day) was the pastor. We needed somebody to tend to us in the pew.

My folks and “WeezeAndArkie” were already dear friends (they took monster trips out west before us kids came along). We did Christmas’s together. They were Mom and Dad’s go-to overnight baby sitters. There were lots of outings, French fries after Sunday-night church, late-night ice cream runs, Thanksgivings, sing-alongs around the piano, and so much more.

And then Arkie, who had hardly been sick a day in his life, suddenly passed away from a heart attack.

On April 1, in fact, 37 years to the day, before Weezie passed.

Other than unexpectedly losing our dearly loved collie, Lassie (I know, I was not a creative “namer” as a kid) Arkie’s death was one of my first “aware” losses—a loss that I actually felt. My grandma (Dad’s mom) had passed away a few years earlier, when I was 8. I remember seeing Dad cry and thinking “this must be big.” My dad’s brother Paul passed away when I was in early high school, and that was probably the first death that scared me. If it could happen to Uncle Paul, who was the father of close cousins my age, it could happen to anybody. Including my dad. Or my mom.

I reached out to Weezie at the time of Arkie’s death with a letter, trying desperately to connect with her through the pain I felt from losing Lassie. From my current adult perch this action seems a bit precocious. But the consensus of adults in my life at the time was that the letter showed me to be wise beyond my years. I spoke of heaven, and the fun Arkie was having chatting it up with the Apostle Paul, and I invoked wisdom from one of my junior high teachers that we’re all dying, some just get there sooner. (I recently read the letter and I must admit, it was pretty good!). I think, though, without knowing it, I was tapping into something that God built into us: the ability and desire to comfort others out of our own pain.

My mom has long said, and I agree, that we were not wired for loss. With loss not being a part of the plan at the beginning, the ability to cope with loss was not hard-wired into our DNA. That’s why it’s so brutal. And it hasn’t seemed to have come any easier over the centuries. If I were to make a point against evolution here, I’d note that dealing with loss is something that we have not adapted to. Mankind has never gotten used to the pain of loss. So it seems that if the brain had any say at all as to what needs to adapt, it would be doing something about the pain of loss, even before it developed, say, toes.

We cannot live and escape loss. So why do we think that it shouldn’t happen to us? Loss will happen. This may not sound like much fun, but my firm grasp on that reality had a lot to do with staying upright in dealing with the loss of Dana, both in fearing that loss and in experiencing it. And here’s how, but it’s not a quick answer:

I’ve long been intrigued by a scene in the book of Acts. Acts records the exciting events that took place in the life of the church within a few decades of Jesus’ ministry. It laid the groundwork for how the church can model itself and it gave God’s people a great “heads up” on what to expect as they seek to be God’s people in a fallen world (and here’s a hint, it isn’t going to be easy). The events noted in this book were hand-picked by God for our learning pleasure. And right smack in the middle of all of this is a scene that seems to be one of the most unfair situations of all time. Check this out (and I tried to shorten it, but it’s just not possible):

Acts 12:1-11
It was about this time that King Herod arrested some who belonged to the church, intending to persecute them. He had James, the brother of John, put to death with the sword.  When he saw that this pleased the Jews, he proceeded to seize Peter also. This happened during the Festival of Unleavened Bread. 4 After arresting him, he put him in prison, handing him over to be guarded by four squads of four soldiers each. Herod intended to bring him out for public trial after the Passover.
So Peter was kept in prison, but the church was earnestly praying to God for him.

6 The night before Herod was to bring him to trial, Peter was sleeping between two soldiers, bound with two chains, and sentries stood guard at the entrance. 7 Suddenly an angel of the Lord appeared and a light shone in the cell. He struck Peter on the side and woke him up. “Quick, get up!” he said, and the chains fell off Peter’s wrists.

8 Then the angel said to him, “Put on your clothes and sandals.” And Peter did so. “Wrap your cloak around you and follow me,” the angel told him. 9 Peter followed him out of the prison, but he had no idea that what the angel was doing was really happening; he thought he was seeing a vision. 10 They passed the first and second guards and came to the iron gate leading to the city. It opened for them by itself, and they went through it. When they had walked the length of one street, suddenly the angel left him.

11 Then Peter came to himself and said, “Now I know without a doubt that the Lord has sent his angel and rescued me from Herod’s clutches and from everything the Jewish people were hoping would happen.”

Did you notice that Peter was set free but James was killed?

Ponder that for a moment. Two men doing great work for God. Both men thrown into prison. Both men  undoubtedly on every church’s prayer chain. An angel delivers Peter, the kind of miracle we expect and pray for when things look impossible. But James is killed. Same prayers. Same God. Way different outcomes.

So the question I have to ask is, not so much, “why did James get killed?” But “why did God hand-pick this scene for us to see?” He must have wanted us to see that things are not always going to turn out like we’d planned. Or hoped. Or dreamed.

Maybe that’s why God has given a provision to help with loss. It’s like an escape hatch when things go wrong. It’s the same type of mechanism available to a forest devastated by fire—the seeds that germinate after intense heat. This helps replenish the forest. It’s depicted in movies when you see someone listening to a tape that says “if you’re listening to my voice something must have gone terribly wrong.” For us, the “terribly wrong” happened in the Fall in the Garden of Eden.  The escape hatch is the ability to share loss with each other. Sounds simple, I know; but stick with me. I think it gets more profound as we go.

First, we have this from 2 Corinthians 1:3-5.
3 Praise be to the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of compassion and the God of all comfort, 4 who comforts us in all our troubles, so that we can comfort those in any trouble with the comfort we ourselves receive from God. 5 For just as we share abundantly in the sufferings of Christ, so also our comfort abounds through Christ.

This passage tells us of a few things we can count on. First: troubles and suffering. But secondly: comfort from God, which propels us to comfort others.

Jessica and I (editor’s note: if the phrase “Jessica and I” is throwing you, check out the last few posts) were recently talking about the different shapes of loss, in particular, the losses she had experienced in her life—not simply loss of life necessarily but loss of other things: scars, pain and hurt collected from paths taken and not taken, decisions made and not made.

Jessica shared that the night before she had spent a good amount of time with the pictures linked to this blog (the Shutterfly link). It contains a couple photo albums, mainly from buzzin-in-law Aaron—some photos from Dane’s visitation and some photos from “happier times” such as a couple beach vacations. Jessica said that she had seen the pictures before but this time she let herself study them and enter into the scenes.

As we talked and shared about our mutual losses we realized something had been happening in our relationship…something rather miraculous. We were actually both a little perplexed with the conversation in that we were chatting on subjects we had already talked on deeply—ground already covered, grace dispensed. But there was a different vibe and a new, surprising reason why we were covering the ground.

We were absorbing each others’ losses.

As you might expect, this doesn’t come easy. There is pain to share. There is grace to dispense and support to give. But it’s beautiful and I think it’s as close to heaven on earth as we can get. It takes sacrifice and love. And, of course, when you put these two things together, you get the best product from heaven that we get to enjoy on earth: sacrificial love.

This brings me back to the thing that has kept me upright in my journey: embracing the reality that loss will happen.  There is absolutely no reason why I should expect to be exempt from loss. And the sooner I embrace that, the closer I am to allowing someone, or Someone, to absorb that loss with me.

And I think this gets at the heart of why we are on this earth with each other: to absorb each others’ losses, no matter the shape or size of the loss. This action probably gets us as close to being like Jesus as anything else we can do. (By the way, if you’ve never read “The Ragman” by Walter Wangerin, Google it now and read it.) 

I don’t know about you, but I could use all the help I can get in being like Jesus. I figure absorbing loss of the people around me is as good a place to start as any.

When I was in the epicenter of my own grief, my good friend Bill said to me, “You know, we believers do not have a good theology on loss.” Maybe this little post can be an installment in Lossology 101.

If so, Day One in the syllabus might go something like this:
Day 1: Either find someone, or Someone, to help absorb your loss or be the one to absorb the loss of someone around you.

More soon. And I promise, it won’t be so long in timeframe, nor in length.

Thank you,
Barry

Marking Two Years

I can’t believe it’s been two years.

Two years since Dana, as her uncle Jon said, accepted a better offer on where to spend Christmas.

Two years to the day since Dana traded me wiping her tears for Jesus wiping her tears.

It’s been two years of loss and recovery.

And if you don’t mind, I’d like to reflect on those two years for a moment.

Besides the God stamps which have so mercifully assured me of God’s presence, the most direct impression I received from God came in the form of these words: recover well. That phrase (which I posted about at the time) has been the North Star of this journey to keep me on track. It’s been the mountain peak in the distance to provide perspective. I found great hope in those words in this way: there is something to recover for.

And of course, one of the first things I was to recover for? Love. One of the questions I asked early on in the journey was this: What does the best-loved man in the world do when he has lost the source of that love? The quick answer, which has had staying power, was simply that I would love well. At the time of that Q and A with God the roles of life that I could apply that answer to were son, brother, uncle, grandson, cousin, friend and many others. I will be a better son, brother, uncle, etc. Obviously I had no idea that the role of husband was just around the corner. In fact, the last two blog posts have documented that miraculous turn in the journey and the wonderful gift of Jessica.

There are so many things you learn through loss—things you would not have learned without the loss. You learn things about yourself. You learn things about life, about gratitude, about God. You feel like you gain a unique perspective on existence itself, on the meaning of everything. What has blown me away is how all the things that I have learned have seemed to custom-build me for the love that I am now getting to experience. And that’s not just being a “new and improved” husband (I am better at keeping horizontal surfaces cleared and cupboard doors closed, but still a long way to go), but loving out of reservoirs that I did not know existed.

I’ve begun to see the slightest glimpse of the redemptive thread that God is knitting into this journey. I’m seeing some of the reality of the reasons for “recovering well.” I’m overwhelmed at the gift of relationship that I have been given to practice “loving well.” With regard to the state of “the journey” you and I have been observing these past two years, I’m doing okay. Better than okay.

But I’m wondering about you.

I’m wondering about my and Dana’s dear friends, our close families and extended family, our circles of friends who Dana knitted with, scrap-booked with, lost weight with, studied the Bible with. The grieving spouse, and that’d be me, has obviously lost the most. But the grieving spouse, and that’d be me, has had a very visible, nearly tangible, goal to shoot for: the possibility of another relationship. While I never thought this would happen (again, see the last two blog posts), it was still a healthy goal to shoot for—a goal that helped me set other valuable milestones in the journey toward recovery.

I am getting to put into practice all that I have learned (which is more than I expected) through not only knowing and loving Dana, but also losing that love. And since every person who came into Dana’s life was deeply loved by her, my hope is that all of us are finding a similar path. I’m hoping we are all getting to explore what it means to love well in all the relationships we have in our lives.

Today has been a special day. I’m in Los Angeles celebrating Christmas with Jessica’s family. While life is screaming busy as they are finishing up a house renovation project (putting on the finishing touches before the big family Christmas Day), Jessica and I still managed to slip away this afternoon to the beach for a little walk to think about, commemorate, and honor Dana. Yes, my mind has been on the minute-by-minute countdown of this day two years ago (although the West Coast time has kept me a bit messed up) since I woke up this morning. Actually the countdown began a couple days ago, remembering the special visits from friends in those last days, and recalling how Dana and I finished reading the book of Revelation on Tuesday, Dec. 22.

As Jessica and I walked the beach, reflecting on the journey and talking about Dana, it should have been no surprise what we saw in the water. The picture is at the top of this post. You may need to zoom in; those are dolphin fins you’ll see. If you need a refresher on the significance of dolphins, you can search this blog for “dolphins.” For now, we can take assurance that ...

…the God stamps continue.

Many prayers and thanks, and Merry Christmas!

Barry

Love Is A Gift

I want to talk about love for a minute.

Love is a gift.

I’ve learned that some people, sadly, never get to experience love in its best form in this life. And others of us seem to have more than our fair share. I’ve long realized how blessed I am with a loving family—from my parents all the way down to cousins five times removed.

Plus, I have had great marriage love. In fact, Top Five all-time, as Dana and I would say. And then, of course, I’ve lost that love.

There are things that I have learned about love ONLY because I have lost great love. That, to me, is a cosmic perplexity.

The last post was about a recent, unexpected turn in the journey, appropriately titled, “A Turn in the Journey.”

And it’s recently become an even bigger turn. As of just two weeks ago, Jessica and I became engaged. I am getting to experience a love that I never thought I’d see again. Since December 2009 I’ve told myself that I will hold out for nothing less than what I’ve experienced before. I was sure that that vow would keep me single for life.

Until now.

I’m a blessed man.

You learn a lot from losing love. And now, I am getting to apply what I’ve learned, as well as experience an entirely new and different love. I appreciate being able to share with you about this turn. It’s made me realize something about this journey. It’s not about me (although most posts are Bear-centric). It’s not about Dana. It’s about God. It’s about His love for us. It’s about His merciful stamps assuring all of us that He is near and in this process.

And now for the bigger turn.

Jessica and I are getting married, in a small, private ceremony convenient for us (given our schedules and travel, especially Jessica’s), and then a full-on celebration with our friends and family down the calendar pike. Within a couple days of our engagement, which happened in Montana at the end of August, we began to explore scenarios and dates of how we would marry. As we considered options, we began to channel a line that Dana used for our somewhat-quick engagement: When you know what the rest of your life is going to be, you might as well get started.

The wedding date? My birthday, September 13.

Yep, I know. On paper, it looks crazy. I’ve seen people move this fast before and thought “How can they know what they’re doing???” Maybe those folks did or didn’t know what they were doing. I know what love is. Jessica knows what love is…and what it isn’t. We’ve been in a constant state of “oh wow” regarding how we’ve seemingly been custom-journeyed for each other.

I know this news is a surprise. And so many wonderful people in our lives deserve a personal call or lunch or breakfast or cup of coffee to share this news. But that obviously isn’t feasible.

Jessica and I are excitedly and adventurously committed to entering into the next era of our relationship: a covenant relationship that builds on the love we’ve already developed; a relationship that gives us both a chance to be the first to sacrifice for the other; a relationship that gives each of us an opportunity to develop a love that casts out fear; a relationship that gives me a chance to love her as Christ loves the church, and a chance for her to experience that level of love.

In my last post I briefly mentioned some God stamp moments in this journey. The first week that Jessica and I met we were driving on a short trip and within 10 minutes we saw a deer and a rainbow. Jessica knew both stories and we glanced at each other curiously, sort of saying, “Let’s not over-interpret here, but that was wild.”

And then after a couple weeks of knowing that we were onto something special, we looked up in the sky and saw the cloud you see at the top of this blog. That is not a photo-shopped image.

There is still much to mine out from my journey of loss and grief. God is up to something. We’re eager to explore what that might be.

And if I might make one more comment. We’ve had some beautiful conversations with Mama Sue and Dana’s family over the past weeks. We all share a deep love for each other. I know that this kind of step brings reminders of the permanence of Dana’s death. For me it’s a permanence I’ve dealt with minute-by-minute since 9:10 a.m., December 23, 2009. For others of us the permanence comes in waves or stages, and I know the news of this blog will be a big wave.

When a permanence settles in, we seem to open ourselves up to a new level of recovery (or more grieving). I hope to explore that, and many other facets, in the coming months of this journey.


Much love and gratitude,

Barry

A Turn in the Journey

The journey has taken a surprising turn.

In short,

I’ve met someone.

Yes, it’s that kind of “met” and that kind of “someone.” It’s not a cloaking euphemism with a surprise meaning. It’s as in, a relationship. And yes, it’s unexpected. Out of the blue. From the blind side. And it’s a beautiful, wonderful thing.

Let me pause for a moment to let you get used to the idea.

Actually, this whole post may be a pause to let you get used to the idea. No pictures. No detailed story. In fact, I’M still getting used to the idea.

I’m not sure exactly how to bring you up to speed. So, let me start with Dana. A few posts ago I posed the question: What does the best loved man in the world do when he’s lost the source of that love? My knee-jerk reaction to that question has simply been: He curls up into a fetal position and stays there. It’s that simple. Luckily, that was only a knee-jerk reaction and not the more seasoned response that came rather quickly. While I think there are several answers to that question, the one that came to me early on, and seems to have some staying power, is simply this: I will love well. I know what it feels like to be gloriously loved. I know what it feels like to love deeply. I will take that knowledge, that growth, that insight, and I will infuse it with any relationship of love I experience, whether romantic, family, friends, or pet (Pud is looking over my shoulder; of course, “pet” would be included anyway ).

As Dana and I navigated the waters of recurrent breast cancer, we chose to keep our little boat floating in the current of hope. Some folks take the approach of writing goodbye letters to loved ones (ala, Elizabeth Edwards) and preparing for the end game. We chose the route of hope: either that God would do some wild and crazy thing or that we would skate through on the tiny statistical sliver that recurrent breast cancer offers as a tease. We knew the odds were against us and that we’d be battling this for life for however long; but we let hope rule the day. It’s not a bad way to travel and I must say, we did not miss one lick of life through the battle.

With that in mind, you can get a sense of the gravity of the most serious conversation Dana and I had regarding life without her. It went something like this:

Dane: Bear, if anything happens to me, I would want you to be happy. And I know that means love. And I know that means marriage. And I want you to be happy.
Bear: Same here. I could get hit by a bus tomorrow. And I would want you to be happy.

We reflected. We cried. We basked in the beautiful, glorious love that we had. We couldn’t imagine that it would ever end.

As we all know, the relationship has ended. But the love never will.

That conversation haunted me since the moment it was over. But no more. It makes me smile. And I’m happy.

This past May a good friend of Dana’s and mine, Lois Bock, sent me an email saying she had a friend, Jessica Rivera, who was an opera soprano and would be rehearsing and performing with the Cincinnati Opera in the month of June. Lois, who lost her dear husband Fred 13 years ago this past July, suggested that I might enjoy coffee with Jessica and that she could probably get me a ticket to the opera. Because there is a high level of trust between widows and widowers, I knew this wasn’t a “set up” and felt comfortable about the connection. Lois even back-channeled to Mama Sue that this definitely was NOT a set up--but an opportunity for me to get out of the house and add some opera culture to this journey of mine. Of course, it didn’t hurt that Jessica was cute (opera sopranos have websites!). So, I was game.

Within a few days of Jessica arriving in Cincinnati, we met for supper.

And then we met for June.

We both obviously felt very safe with each other, which may have been the soft soil that let feelings take root. I knew that Jessica was committed to her singing career, and in our first supper conversation she joked about turning off the “husband search” switch a few years ago and comfortably accepting who she is and what she is able to do. I shared about living off the love of Dane for the rest of my life and being very okay with that. Since I had such a high standard of love, I was sure I’d never experience it again.

Over the course of the few days after that first supper, we looked for times when our free time overlapped. And after a week of overlapping free time (which included baking a cake for my mom’s birthday!), we knew there was something good going on.

Once we acknowledged to each other, almost in unison, that “this is good,” we morphed from casually pursuing free time to intentionally pursuing relationship. Or at least I was pursuing her, and she was running slowly. In fact, her forward movement was imperceptible, she would admit.

When you have loved and lost, you learn things about love that you would not have learned otherwise. Obviously, I’d rather not learn those things. But since I’m here, I might as well take advantage of my position. And to be honest, I’ve been content to learn those things about love and just sit on them, not knowing if they would ever see the light of day.

They are seeing light. And it’s rather radiant.

Some of you “busted me out” from my last post, reading between the lines of “Is ‘Moving On’ Overrated?” For some it was a post that made you go “hmmm…” Others of you pinged me with, “So, anything you need to tell me?” Some of you thought it’s now a matter of time. I am blessed with smart, discerning friends!

I’m actually quite blown away at the concurrence of entertaining thoughts about “moving” or “repurposing” (I’m still running the contest to replace the phrase “moving on”) and the budding of relationship. Yes, my June had already happened when I posted, but the “moving” thoughts had been bubbling up for a couple months. Maybe the presence of someone in my life gave me the resolve to embrace “moving”? Or maybe my embryonic resolve of “moving” made room for the presence of someone in my life? Who knows? (God, of course, knows. In fact, I think that God, along with Dana, are having a private joke. I have evidence to prove it...more on that as we blog along this journey.)

This may be enough for now. There’s something, though, that I want to add. Some may say, “Okay, Barry’s met someone, he’s taken care of. Time to quit following the blog. I can take him off my prayer list.” To which I would respond: Please don’t. The journey continues. I am still mining out all that God wants to teach me about love, loss, and living through that loss. I am still collecting God stamps. I, along with you, am still remembering and honoring Dana. I am still probing my journey for how it may help others. I am exploring how best to live out 2 Corinthians 1:3-4 which says:

3 Praise be to the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of
compassion and the God of all comfort, 4 who comforts us in all our troubles, so
that we can comfort those in any trouble with the comfort we ourselves receive
from God.

I can honestly say that I have received more than my fair share of comfort in my troubles. It is my personal act of obedience, then, to comfort those in their trouble. This, I think, is the ultimate “pay it forward.” I covet your prayers for this. I may need you now more than ever in observing this journey.

Thank you!

Barry

P.S. By the way, as you might expect, it's a little strange sharing this kind of personal information in an impersonal blog post. I feel I should be having face-to-face conversations with all who might be reading. But I'm glad we have this channel, and this is all certainly a part of the journey. Feel free to drop me a note!